Been a Long Time Gone...

I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I posted, and this isn't even a current photo in the screen below!  (It is one of my faves, though.)   I am testing out this super-fun tool, VoiceThread, for a project at school that I am collaborating on with another teacher, and realized that I could post VoiceThreads here really easily .  I made this in about 2 minutes, no joke, and uploaded it to Blogger in no time.  This is the busy mom's way to blog:  upload a photo, speak, and voila:  a post!   Hmmm, I may start blogging again after all!  

Anyway, M and AK and I are having a wonderful spring.   We are heading into the home stretch of another school year, I am finishing my third-to-last class for my Master's degree, and AK is potty training sloooooooowly.  Busy days, for sure!  

And, we have a few other things we are working on...   but that's another post for another day!  

Frustration/ ramblings

I have a bunch of much-more-fun blog posts swirling in my head, including our Memorial Day weekend, which was spent with my sister's family, my parents, and assorted family friends to celebrate my beautiful niece Alie's christening.  Unfortunately, I am home today, sick with a gross sinus infection and feeling too frustrated to do anything but list my grievances on here.  Feel free to skip this one if you are in the mood for something brighter.

I am getting back on the Master's Degree wagon during the summer session.  (I took off the past two semesters to be able to fully focus on the L'il Snickerdoodle.)  Unfortunately, when I was re-admitted, my university gave me a whole new identity:  passwords, ID numbers, e-mail addresses, the whole bit.  Unfortunately, they neglected to tell me or my department about this so I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to get my registration, payment for classes, and everything else sorted out-- long-distance (I'm doing my degree online).   I think the wagon is driving over me right now.  

The latest wrinkle is that I still haven't been able to log in to my classes because they have to assign me a new password, and classes started a week ago.  Last Friday I was told that I had to send them a picture of myself to get this passphrase.  So I sent it and left for the weekend.  Of course the university was closed yesterday, and I was feeling too rotten to care about this mess. So today I find that I had an e-mail from the helpdesk saying that I was supposed to e-mail a picture ID -- I guess that's the obvious thing to do but since Tech Guy didn't specify this I just e-mailed a snapshot of myself. I could feel my head about to explode as I read the e-mail. I sent off another e-mail this time with my driver's license scanned in -- we shall see if this works. (Added: they sent me a new passphrase which DOESN'T WORK. AAAARRRGH!)  

At this point class has been in session for a week and I still haven't been able to log in, much less get started-- I can't even think about how behind I already am. I'd love to think that this was a sign from God that I should quit this degree program and just stay at home full-time with AK. A lot of my frustration comes from wanting to do that, but unfortunately, it's just not going to happen now.

Also, this is one of the busiest times of the year as we wind down the school year. For me it means inventory and lots of reports to compile, as well as special events and continuing to work with teachers and students on a somewhat limited basis. Having to miss 3 days of work in a row is not helping my tendency to worry about getting everything done by the last workday. Mark is super-busy too, and we both are pretty wiped out when we get home these days. I'm trying to manage the stress of this plus my graduate class situation, but I'm struggling a bit. I wish it was June 12 --our last workday-- now!

I had to make a big decision the other day. I feel so much better now that it's been made, but am not sure how it will all play out. A bit more stress.

AK has hit a really cute stage (more on that later). She is also in a challenging stage-- since what she wants to do much of the time is challenge us. Her new favorite word is "no". And she loves to use it whenever she is not in the mood to do something or just wants to "feel the power." Of course, I find myself telling "no" myself an awful lot these days. She is into everything-- even the stuff I thought I had childproofed. I love her insatiable curiosity but the tidy, safety-conscious mama in me tends to cringe at some of her "discoveries", and habit of pulling things apart.  

Of all things, brushing her teeth is the biggest battle. She loves to do it herself, but when it's time for one of us to do the actual brushing, it's a fight. She clamps her lips together and shakes her head back and forth. She tried saying "no" but that gave me an entry point to try to get in her mouth. Usually the battle ends in wailing and much gnashing of teeth on both our parts! Her techniques for avoiding the toothbrush would be hilarious if it weren't soooooo frustrating. It's been so tough for me dealing with her that most nights Mark is now in charge of tooth brushing (go Mark!).

I read a quote recently that adults are basically toddlers with their self-centeredness, selfishness, and lack of understanding that it's not all about them-- just with better manners and some civility added. I thought that was a great description. (I've met plenty of adults who are harder to deal with than a toddler). Of course, this leaves out all the fun parts of toddlerhood: the cuddles, drooly kisses, the ability to turn everything into a game, that same curiosity as they discover the world around them, the new words and skills every week, hearing "Mama!" said with such excitement and joy, watching her romp with her daddy. Definitely puts things into perspective.

The Whirl of Gaiety

 Back in December when I went back to work, that first week I actually thought, "This working mom gig isn't so bad.  I can juggle it all-- no problem!"  I think that was on day three, which was the first day I didn't break down in tears at some point on the way to or from work.  (I may also have had a wee glass of wine, which is relaxing but apparently makes me overconfident.)  

So. Three months later and I am still juggling just as fast as I can.  Some weeks go better than others.  Sometimes my house is cleaner than others, and some weeks I make it through more of the to-do list than others.  I struggle with feeling a certain amount of performance pressure at work and many days wish I just didn't have to deal with it.  

If I could, I'd stay home full-time with AK in a split second.  I know I'm a good mom, and it's what I truly love to do.  I struggle with the fact that by the end of a long and busy workday, there's just not as much of me-- or the best of me-- left to give my family.  But it truly isn't possible for us right now (and given the state of the economy it might never happen) so I am trying hard to be content right where I am.  You know, that whole "attitude of gratitude."   So I'm:

• Thankful that AK has a good daycare to go to where she feels comfortable and happy.  
• Thankful that we have a home, and jobs, when so many have lost theirs.
• Thankful that I do work that is meaningful and that I have wanted to do since I was little. Although when I was little I thought librarians got to read books all day and that was their whole job.  
• Thankful that when I've had a tiring or icky day I get to go home to my husband and daughter.  There has not been a bad day that wasn't totally improved by seeing AK grin and giggle when she sees me. 
• Thankful that Mark shooed me out of the house for a few hours on Saturday for a mom's day out.  I treated myself to a pedicure, since we have had flip-flop weather all weekend, and  did some shopping at one of my favorite stores.  I took advantage of a deal they ran this past week (I donated 2 pairs of pants, which they will donate to Goodwill, and got $15 dollars off of each of 2 new pairs of pants), and a coupon I had and got some new things for spring and summer.  Mark had given me a gift certificate for Christmas so this was a chance to put it to good use.  I had sooooo much fun and came home feeing rejuvenated.  

So. I'm trying.  I know every mom feels stretched and I am one of many who work outside the home but still strive to be an effective and Godly homemaker, wife, mother as well.  

Our calendar continues to be busy.  In addition to a demanding workweek ahead for me, we just had our six-month post placement visit today.  

All went well, although I should remember by now that our homestudy agency always has us write a super-long report answering many questions about our lives, and then we will answer all of those same questions in person for the social worker.  The HS office never forwards our paperwork to her either, so I end up giving her a copy.  I am also never told in advance to have x number of copies of various documents and then spend a lot of the visit pawing through an expanding file looking for the one document that seems to have gone missing, and then find it tucked into one of our document booklets.  Sigh.

It was a good visit overall and I think our SW really enjoyed meeting AK in person after all these years of meeting with us throughout the adoption process.   I certainly talked my head off-- our SW is a truly sweet lady and my tendency to overshare goes into overdrive at these sorts of things.  I also did some extra housekeeping this weekend just in case although at this point we've adopted our child and surely a little extra dust won't change that.  I've been trying to whip our perpetually messy guest bedroom/office/scrapbook room (aka "The Pit of Despair") into shape and get to the bottom of a huge pile of filing so this gave me incentive to actually do this.  

We enjoyed the beautiful weather the past few days-- sunny, temps in the 70's-- and are bracing ourselves for the next little remnant of winter coming our way this weekend.  This weather pattern is exactly like it was in March of 2003 when we got married.  The weekend before the wedding was gorgeous, and then the day of it was 50 degrees and poured rain all day.  All that to say our 6th wedding anniversary is Sunday, six months anniversary of Gotcha Day is on Monday, and my mom, sister, and nieces are coming for an impromptu visit this weekend.  

Oh, and now that we are back on Daylight Savings Time I want to stay up til midnight and suddenly can't seem to get dinner on the table before 6:45, because it's so sunny outside.  

Whew!   I think this post may have ended up being a mini-therapy session.  I feel better now. 

Someday

This morning I listened to the Bob and Sheri AM radio show on my way to work, as I do every day.  Since I usually leave for work around 7:35 (or 7:43, as was the case today), I pretty much always hear the topic for the "chatroom" segment, where people call in and talk about the topic of the day.

Today the topic was "someday"-- what are the things you were told would happen someday? Or what is something you told yourself would happen someday?  Maybe it did, maybe it didn't.  

I really wished I could stop the car and take the time to call in to tell my story, because my someday is finally around the corner.  Mark and I have been longing for children and (one way or another) trying to have children for about 4 1/2 years now.  It has been the greatest struggle, test, and grief of my life.  

Infertility has challenged everything I thought I knew about the world around me, my faith, my marriage, my relationships, and my personality.  There have been many tears and frankly, much anguish as we worked through the loss of some dreams and finally embraced new dreams.  I have struggled with doubt, anxiety, worry, and fear on a nearly daily basis.  

I also learned that I have the strength to endure when I just thought I might not be able to get up and face each day.  My marriage has been strengthened by the toughest times, and Mark and I have grown closer than ever through this experience.  My faith has been tested, yet it has also been refined by the fire of grief.  I am a person who wants control over every area of my life, but I have learned to lean on the Lord's provision and strength instead.  

For years, I have longed for someday rather than today.

• Someday, we'd get to call our families with the news that we were expecting a baby.
  
• Someday, I'd get to watch Mark play hide and seek and tag  and make goofy faces with our babies.
  
• Someday, I'd get to shop in the baby section of Target without feeling like I was trespassing and all the real moms would know I didn't really belong there.
  
• Someday I'd get to attend a baby shower for my baby.
  
• Someday it wouldn't hurt so much when another friend or family member announced their pregnancy-- I could be happy for them without feeling so very sad for myself at the same time. 
  
• Someday, my arms would no longer be empty.
• Someday, I'd get to tuck my baby into bed after reading a bedtime story and hearing prayers.
  
• Someday, we'd get to experience a joyful Christmas with our little one.
  
• Someday, we'd get to see the 5 "big kids" play with their little sister or brother. 

• Someday, we'd get the Call from our agency that we had been matched with our baby!
  
• Someday, we'd be packing a suitcase and planning the trip of a lifetime.
  
• Someday, we'd board a plane to take us 7,000 miles from home.
  
• Someday, we'd arrive in a government office in China and a baby would be placed in our arms.
  
• Someday, I would be a mom at last.
  

My someday is finally just days away.  I  actually know the date of my most special someday ever.

Honestly, I can hardly believe it.

I think it's gonna sink in at 9:58 next Thursday morning as we get on that plane to take us to Anna Kathryn.

An Ordinary Wednesday

I read about the death of Steven and Mary Beth Chapman's daughter Maria today with a heavy heart and few tears.  Even though I do not know the family personally, I grew up listening to SCC's music.  He is one of my, and Mark's, all-time favorite musicians.  Just two months ago we celebrated our fifth anniversary by spending the evening volunteering at the Shaohannah's Hope booth, helping raise funds for grants given to adopting families, during his most recent concert tour.  Along with our friends Allison and David, we worked first and then enjoyed the second half of an awesome concert.  We have been listening to his new CD practically nonstop.  I also feel a bit of a connection, a red thread, with their family since they adopted three of their daughters from China.  They even have worked with the same agency we are using to facilitate our adoption.  

Maria was their youngest child, only five years old.  Her death was the result of an accident, one of those sudden tragedies that leave all who loved her broken and breathless, reeling from sudden grief.  I must admit that after reading this article, my mind and heart immediately flew back to many of the things my sister, her husband, and the rest of our family experienced when Natalie's accident, and death, took place last fall.  The memories are vivid and painful, and I can imagine rather clearly the shock and grief the Chapman family is experiencing today. 

 For them, it was an ordinary Wednesday afternoon: the end of the school day, plans underway for supper, kids outside playing.  For our family, it was an ordinary Wednesday as well.  We had just finished supper when we got the call.  In an instant, everything changes.  Tonight, I am wishing I could hold all of my loved ones a little tighter, a little closer, for only the Lord knows how many moments we are given.  

Pity Party

Yesterday marked 16 months since we were logged in with the CCAA in China.  There are 358 LIDs ahead of us, and the CCAA has referred only 72 days in the last year (since May 1, 2007).  So, the wait ahead of us (and the math involved in figuring it out) is too long to contemplate.  We just keep hoping not too much will change in our lives or China's program before our turn comes.  This month also marks 2 years since we began the adoption process.  Will it be two more?  Three more?  God only knows.  This was not an anniversary I wanted to celebrate with empty arms.  

Yesterday, we got some other disappointing news.  Not anything I can share, not life-altering, just disappointing. 

I gained this week on Weight Watchers.  

Sunday is Mother's Day.  A difficult day for me personally, although I love being able to tell my mom, Mamapa, and my mother-in-law how much I love them.  And my sister, who is an awesome mom.  I did mail off the presents today-- a small triumph since I am almost never this organized when it comes to giving gifts.  I'm ready for next Monday to be here though.  Someone on one of my online adoption forums said she and her husband were having Mother's Day lunch at Hooters, so it's not so "in their face".  I'm not sure that I would go there (literally or figuratively) but I totally get where she is coming from.  

Last week, a beloved teacher at the school where I teach died very suddenly.  It's been a tough week for the staff and students.  She is greatly missed, and there is still much grieving both in and out of class.  

Another friend e-mailed me and shared about a recent loss in her life, which broke my heart for her.  

Tough stuff.

I have so many blessings, and I do count them, but sometimes they seem overshadowed by the hard things.  As Anne of Green Gables would say-- a Jonah day.  Or week, in my case.  I'm sure things'll look better in the morning.  

Ok, party over. 

15 months

Hard to believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted on Easter.  Lots of reasons why-- we went to Ohio over Spring Break, work has been super-busy, lack of topics I feel motivated to write about-- but mostly, I just haven't gotten around to it.  I'm really good at writing posts in my head but not getting them down on paper... or at least the screen.   

Yesterday marked 15 months since we were logged in.  We also got our homestudy update report in the mail-- 3 months to the day when I first e-mailed our social worker to get it started.  It took forever.  On Friday, referrals for this month came out.  Only 5 more days were referred this month.  Now the CCAA is up to January 9, 2006.  Only 361 days ahead of us.    Another month has gone by, but it just doesn't feel like we are making any progress.  

I used to imagine what my daughter might look like, what leaving for China might be like, collect ideas in a file for the nursery.  I haven't done that in a long time.  Of course, not a single day goes by where I don't think of AK in some way, and where I am not reminded of just how empty my arms are, but I just cannot picture her at all.  A few days ago, a friend of a friend got the referral for her daughter.  On her blog, she recalled how right around the beginning of August, she had a very vivid dream about her baby being born.  She learned the other day that her daughter was born just days after she had that dream.  I just can't even imagine that.  I have dreamt no dreams, seen no signs (I refuse to count dead ladybugs), had no indicators whatsoever.  I've begun to think of her as just a "mythical baby."  

 It's been such a long wait, and only God knows how much longer it will be.  Some (actually, many) days I wonder if the adoption, if parenthood, will ever really happen.  I feel guilty for having so little faith, but there it is.  Right now, it's easier to not prepare for a little one; I'm fully aware that this is a form of self-preservation.  I guess in some ways it's good to live life without feeling like we are constantly on hold.  I (well, Mark, too) am making plans for summer and fall that do not include welcoming a baby into the household (although if a miracle does happen, you'd better believe all plans will be adjusted accordingly).  And, since I can't seem to get/stay/be excited right now about this, it's just hard to be enthused about much of anything.  

Indecisive

As my dear, dear husband says, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind."  And I do... frequently!  My outfit for the day, what I want for dinner, and now my blog name.  I started a blog about 2 weeks ago at http://sunshineandladybugs.blogspot.com.  I had big plans for that blog.  I wrote an opening post that two whole people read and commented on (thanks, Hillary and Allison!).  But I just couldn't seem to get around to writing a second post on it.  I really wasn't sure why I had this mental block about it... too tired? lazy? busy?  Then it hit me-- the name.  I just wasn't satisfied with the name.  I picked sunshine because that has been Mark's nickname for me since we first started dating, and ladybugs because they are a popular thing/symbol in the China adoption community, and I think they are cute.   When I picked that name and realized that it was available through Blogger, I figured I was good to go.  But, it seemed a little too cutesy  and generic.  Would the name really stand out in a crowd?  I wanted something more memorable and meaningful.  So, I kept thinking. 

Last weekend my sister Hillary and 4-year-old niece Emily came down from Virginia for a weekend visit.  We had lots and lots of fun and a great visit.  Friday night we enjoyed dinner together (chicken biscuit stew and apple pie) and just getting caught up.  Emily and "Uncle Marko Marko" romped and we all played Disney Memory and read Frog, Where Are You? -- one of our favorite books.  Saturday was busy:  lunch at Chick-Fil-A, buying new tennis shoes for Emily so she could run around safely, a trip to the park and Discovery Place, and finally dinner out at a Mexican restaurant with Caleb and Leslie (lots of talk of wedding plans).  Sunday we went to church, had lunch at home, and Emily and I got to hang out while Mark and Hillary took naps.  She also got to take a long nature walk with Uncle Mark while Hillary and I enjoyed an uninterrupted chat.  We ended the weekend with a trip to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream. 

So, I was thinking about the weekend and how I get the biggest kick out of hearing Emily say "snickerdoodle," which is our little code word to get Mark to freeze and unfreeze when we play tag.  She can't say her R sounds yet, and it is the cutest thing.  I decided to somehow incorporate "snickerdoodle" into my new blog name, and Allison suggested "the crab" in honor of all the times I or my loved ones are cranky (never, of course.  Ha.)  Cute, not as generic, hopefully memorable when I start participating in the many many carnivals floating around in the world of blogs.   And, the name was not yet taken on Blogger.  It was meant to be, and so here I am.