I wish I could quit you, grad school

I just spent waaaaay too many hours of my weekend and have stayed up much too late tonight finishing a totally mediocre paper for the MLS degree I hope to get before I am 87 years old.  

Ugh. I loathe homework.  That's one reason I became a school library media coordinator, which is why I am slogging through graduate school.  Which is called irony, I believe.  

On the other hand, BIG congratulations to my husband who just received his diploma for his Master's degree the other day!  (He refused to go to graduation so they finally just mailed it to him.  No matter, it's the real deal and he earned every bit of it.)

I'm so jealous!  And proud!!!

Frustration/ ramblings

I have a bunch of much-more-fun blog posts swirling in my head, including our Memorial Day weekend, which was spent with my sister's family, my parents, and assorted family friends to celebrate my beautiful niece Alie's christening.  Unfortunately, I am home today, sick with a gross sinus infection and feeling too frustrated to do anything but list my grievances on here.  Feel free to skip this one if you are in the mood for something brighter.

I am getting back on the Master's Degree wagon during the summer session.  (I took off the past two semesters to be able to fully focus on the L'il Snickerdoodle.)  Unfortunately, when I was re-admitted, my university gave me a whole new identity:  passwords, ID numbers, e-mail addresses, the whole bit.  Unfortunately, they neglected to tell me or my department about this so I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to get my registration, payment for classes, and everything else sorted out-- long-distance (I'm doing my degree online).   I think the wagon is driving over me right now.  

The latest wrinkle is that I still haven't been able to log in to my classes because they have to assign me a new password, and classes started a week ago.  Last Friday I was told that I had to send them a picture of myself to get this passphrase.  So I sent it and left for the weekend.  Of course the university was closed yesterday, and I was feeling too rotten to care about this mess. So today I find that I had an e-mail from the helpdesk saying that I was supposed to e-mail a picture ID -- I guess that's the obvious thing to do but since Tech Guy didn't specify this I just e-mailed a snapshot of myself. I could feel my head about to explode as I read the e-mail. I sent off another e-mail this time with my driver's license scanned in -- we shall see if this works. (Added: they sent me a new passphrase which DOESN'T WORK. AAAARRRGH!)  

At this point class has been in session for a week and I still haven't been able to log in, much less get started-- I can't even think about how behind I already am. I'd love to think that this was a sign from God that I should quit this degree program and just stay at home full-time with AK. A lot of my frustration comes from wanting to do that, but unfortunately, it's just not going to happen now.

Also, this is one of the busiest times of the year as we wind down the school year. For me it means inventory and lots of reports to compile, as well as special events and continuing to work with teachers and students on a somewhat limited basis. Having to miss 3 days of work in a row is not helping my tendency to worry about getting everything done by the last workday. Mark is super-busy too, and we both are pretty wiped out when we get home these days. I'm trying to manage the stress of this plus my graduate class situation, but I'm struggling a bit. I wish it was June 12 --our last workday-- now!

I had to make a big decision the other day. I feel so much better now that it's been made, but am not sure how it will all play out. A bit more stress.

AK has hit a really cute stage (more on that later). She is also in a challenging stage-- since what she wants to do much of the time is challenge us. Her new favorite word is "no". And she loves to use it whenever she is not in the mood to do something or just wants to "feel the power." Of course, I find myself telling "no" myself an awful lot these days. She is into everything-- even the stuff I thought I had childproofed. I love her insatiable curiosity but the tidy, safety-conscious mama in me tends to cringe at some of her "discoveries", and habit of pulling things apart.  

Of all things, brushing her teeth is the biggest battle. She loves to do it herself, but when it's time for one of us to do the actual brushing, it's a fight. She clamps her lips together and shakes her head back and forth. She tried saying "no" but that gave me an entry point to try to get in her mouth. Usually the battle ends in wailing and much gnashing of teeth on both our parts! Her techniques for avoiding the toothbrush would be hilarious if it weren't soooooo frustrating. It's been so tough for me dealing with her that most nights Mark is now in charge of tooth brushing (go Mark!).

I read a quote recently that adults are basically toddlers with their self-centeredness, selfishness, and lack of understanding that it's not all about them-- just with better manners and some civility added. I thought that was a great description. (I've met plenty of adults who are harder to deal with than a toddler). Of course, this leaves out all the fun parts of toddlerhood: the cuddles, drooly kisses, the ability to turn everything into a game, that same curiosity as they discover the world around them, the new words and skills every week, hearing "Mama!" said with such excitement and joy, watching her romp with her daddy. Definitely puts things into perspective.

The Whirl of Gaiety

 Back in December when I went back to work, that first week I actually thought, "This working mom gig isn't so bad.  I can juggle it all-- no problem!"  I think that was on day three, which was the first day I didn't break down in tears at some point on the way to or from work.  (I may also have had a wee glass of wine, which is relaxing but apparently makes me overconfident.)  

So. Three months later and I am still juggling just as fast as I can.  Some weeks go better than others.  Sometimes my house is cleaner than others, and some weeks I make it through more of the to-do list than others.  I struggle with feeling a certain amount of performance pressure at work and many days wish I just didn't have to deal with it.  

If I could, I'd stay home full-time with AK in a split second.  I know I'm a good mom, and it's what I truly love to do.  I struggle with the fact that by the end of a long and busy workday, there's just not as much of me-- or the best of me-- left to give my family.  But it truly isn't possible for us right now (and given the state of the economy it might never happen) so I am trying hard to be content right where I am.  You know, that whole "attitude of gratitude."   So I'm:

• Thankful that AK has a good daycare to go to where she feels comfortable and happy.  
• Thankful that we have a home, and jobs, when so many have lost theirs.
• Thankful that I do work that is meaningful and that I have wanted to do since I was little. Although when I was little I thought librarians got to read books all day and that was their whole job.  
• Thankful that when I've had a tiring or icky day I get to go home to my husband and daughter.  There has not been a bad day that wasn't totally improved by seeing AK grin and giggle when she sees me. 
• Thankful that Mark shooed me out of the house for a few hours on Saturday for a mom's day out.  I treated myself to a pedicure, since we have had flip-flop weather all weekend, and  did some shopping at one of my favorite stores.  I took advantage of a deal they ran this past week (I donated 2 pairs of pants, which they will donate to Goodwill, and got $15 dollars off of each of 2 new pairs of pants), and a coupon I had and got some new things for spring and summer.  Mark had given me a gift certificate for Christmas so this was a chance to put it to good use.  I had sooooo much fun and came home feeing rejuvenated.  

So. I'm trying.  I know every mom feels stretched and I am one of many who work outside the home but still strive to be an effective and Godly homemaker, wife, mother as well.  

Our calendar continues to be busy.  In addition to a demanding workweek ahead for me, we just had our six-month post placement visit today.  

All went well, although I should remember by now that our homestudy agency always has us write a super-long report answering many questions about our lives, and then we will answer all of those same questions in person for the social worker.  The HS office never forwards our paperwork to her either, so I end up giving her a copy.  I am also never told in advance to have x number of copies of various documents and then spend a lot of the visit pawing through an expanding file looking for the one document that seems to have gone missing, and then find it tucked into one of our document booklets.  Sigh.

It was a good visit overall and I think our SW really enjoyed meeting AK in person after all these years of meeting with us throughout the adoption process.   I certainly talked my head off-- our SW is a truly sweet lady and my tendency to overshare goes into overdrive at these sorts of things.  I also did some extra housekeeping this weekend just in case although at this point we've adopted our child and surely a little extra dust won't change that.  I've been trying to whip our perpetually messy guest bedroom/office/scrapbook room (aka "The Pit of Despair") into shape and get to the bottom of a huge pile of filing so this gave me incentive to actually do this.  

We enjoyed the beautiful weather the past few days-- sunny, temps in the 70's-- and are bracing ourselves for the next little remnant of winter coming our way this weekend.  This weather pattern is exactly like it was in March of 2003 when we got married.  The weekend before the wedding was gorgeous, and then the day of it was 50 degrees and poured rain all day.  All that to say our 6th wedding anniversary is Sunday, six months anniversary of Gotcha Day is on Monday, and my mom, sister, and nieces are coming for an impromptu visit this weekend.  

Oh, and now that we are back on Daylight Savings Time I want to stay up til midnight and suddenly can't seem to get dinner on the table before 6:45, because it's so sunny outside.  

Whew!   I think this post may have ended up being a mini-therapy session.  I feel better now. 

Busy Week

Our annual Book Fair is this week at school-- along with Open House (Tuesday night), Battle of the Books practice (Monday afternoon; I am the coach), a faculty meeting yesterday (left school at 6:00 pm), and AK and I had our weekly mochas with Allison and Maggie today. So I have been busy, busy, busy and too pooped to post. In fact, I've been almost too tired at night to get on the computer... almost, but not quite. Gotta feed my addiction and keep up with my favorite blogs!

Here are a few more snapshots from a recent trip to the park!

Oh boy-- a mountain to climb!

I can do it!

Is that the summit already?
Queen of all I survey....
Mama, are you taking ANOTHER picture of me?
This is kinda high...
I'm not giving up!  I will conquer this mountain.  It will be my greatest accomplishment ever.  
Ooooh, this plastic rock feels so nice.
Maybe I need to taste the rock for the complete experience!

Every silver lining has a cloud, or

"Incompetence is the pinnacle of annoyance."

No, I'm not talking about anything adoption or Anna Kathryn related!  However, this has easily been one of the craziest weeks ever for Mark and myself.  

Monday morning was, well, busy.  We were frantically calling the pediatrician and getting our acceptance paperwork together, not to mention quivering with excitement over AK and a major lack of sleep.   Then, Mark got a call from our school district's HR department.  He'd recently been hired to teach 4th grade at an elementary school, a big change after 8 years of surly eighth graders, but one he was really excited about.  Two weeks ago his new principal called him and said that everything was set, his transfer was complete, and welcome to the team.  Monday, he was informed by HR that due to a MAJOR oversight, they had just noticed that he is not, in fact, "highly qualified" to teach elementary school.  Therefore, he cannot be put into the position.  

Huh??

Mark has been teaching for 24 years.  The majority of his experience has been at the elementary level.  His bachelor's degree is in elementary education.  He holds a valid NC teaching credential in-- you guessed it-- elementary ed.  And he is 1 class away from completing a master's degree in Educational Leadership (school administration).

Hard to believe the man is not "highly qualified", but according to the federal guidelines established by No C.hild L.eft B.ehind, unless he takes and passes two exams, he is not "highly qualified."  None of the rest of his credentials matter-- just that.  He did all the "HQ" stuff several years ago for middle school math, but was told then that his elementary status was fine the way it was.  Guess which presidential administration has just been put on my poopy list??  And which HR dept. ??!  Grrr. 

And unfortunately, the only time this exam will be given between now and the first day of school is at 8:00 a.m. the Saturday morning after Abram, Mark's son, gets married to his sweet fiancee, Karen.  The wedding is at 6:30 p.m. Friday.  At the beach.  Not gonna happen, my friends.  

Plus the test will cost many hundreds of dollars, which frankly, we do not have, what with all of the grad school classes, car repairs, weddings, and adoptions that we are funding right now.  

And the final kicker was that Mark's replacement has already been hired, and he cannot go back into his old teaching position.  They don't have any openings, either.  He would gladly return to his old school, but their hands are tied.  He has tenure, so he'll have a position somewhere in the county, but we have no idea where right now.  

Needless to say, this has been a bit of a challenge we've faced this week in the midst of our great jubilation over seeing Anna Kathryn for the first time and swinging into preparations.   We've been pretty calm-- all things considered-- because honestly, how could we get overly upset about anything when we have the sweetest baby ever coming home soon?

Still, it would be nice for Mark to have a job-- preferably one he likes.  He has some leads on middle school positions, and we are praying that something awesome will come his way. Thankfully, he finished summer school today, so he gets some R & R time.  At least he doesn't have to write 3 weeks' worth of elementary lesson plans while we are in China!

I know God is teaching us to continue to be completely dependent on Him in all circumstances. This is a lesson I have learned the hard way through the years of waiting to have children, through all the failed attempts, through the slowdown in China and all the discouraging news about the state of IA in general.  This is not my strong suit.  I prefer to be in control.  But the Lord has a way of reminding me who's really in charge of my life.  I'm slowly learning that it's better to go with His plan, since it's gonna be way, way better than anything I could come up with on my own.  

I got confirmation of that last Sunday, the first time I saw Anna Kathryn's beautiful face.  

By the way, I really would love to post her picture, but we are waiting on a couple of approvals from the CCAA before doing so.  Soon, I hope, I'll be able to show her off to the world.  My next post I'll do my best to explain the next round of red tape we will wade through before traveling. 

Also-- for my family, or anyone who has always thought it would be a ton of fun to hang out at the beach for a week every summer with your best girlfriends, read this.  I meant to blog about it myself, but Allison took pictures and well, she has a way with words. 

Pity Party

Yesterday marked 16 months since we were logged in with the CCAA in China.  There are 358 LIDs ahead of us, and the CCAA has referred only 72 days in the last year (since May 1, 2007).  So, the wait ahead of us (and the math involved in figuring it out) is too long to contemplate.  We just keep hoping not too much will change in our lives or China's program before our turn comes.  This month also marks 2 years since we began the adoption process.  Will it be two more?  Three more?  God only knows.  This was not an anniversary I wanted to celebrate with empty arms.  

Yesterday, we got some other disappointing news.  Not anything I can share, not life-altering, just disappointing. 

I gained this week on Weight Watchers.  

Sunday is Mother's Day.  A difficult day for me personally, although I love being able to tell my mom, Mamapa, and my mother-in-law how much I love them.  And my sister, who is an awesome mom.  I did mail off the presents today-- a small triumph since I am almost never this organized when it comes to giving gifts.  I'm ready for next Monday to be here though.  Someone on one of my online adoption forums said she and her husband were having Mother's Day lunch at Hooters, so it's not so "in their face".  I'm not sure that I would go there (literally or figuratively) but I totally get where she is coming from.  

Last week, a beloved teacher at the school where I teach died very suddenly.  It's been a tough week for the staff and students.  She is greatly missed, and there is still much grieving both in and out of class.  

Another friend e-mailed me and shared about a recent loss in her life, which broke my heart for her.  

Tough stuff.

I have so many blessings, and I do count them, but sometimes they seem overshadowed by the hard things.  As Anne of Green Gables would say-- a Jonah day.  Or week, in my case.  I'm sure things'll look better in the morning.  

Ok, party over. 

The End is in Sight!!

My lame-o excuse for not posting in over a week:  it's the end of the semester, and since I prefer to "work to the deadline" (or procrastinate, if you prefer to speak plainly) I have been working my tail off to get my big final projects done.  I just e-mailed the last ones off to my prof.  Woo-hoo!!!!  It always feels so good to be done and have gotten over one more hurdle in this master's degree program.  I have a few things to do to wrap up the semester, but unless I find out I have to re-write my literature review (and I pray not)I am done with the spring semester for all intents and purposes.

Plus, we had a busy weekend-- we went to see Wicked (the musical) with friends and also went to a concert on Saturday night.  Plus the homework.  Oh, the homework.  Needless to say, posting got pushed to the back burner along with house cleaning, folding laundry, and returning phone calls.  (sorry everyone!)  More on our Big Saturday Out in the next post!

Because a picture is worth a thousand words...

P.S.  Thank goodness this semester is over in two weeks!  I am ready to be done with my boring grad school classes!

P.P.S.  If you want to see some more hilariously "insprational" stuff, head over to Despair.com.  It's worth the trip!  

Maybe I should have been a librarian 50 years ago

Let me just start by saying that I really do like a lot of things about my job as a school library media coordinator.  I particularly like working with kids and teachers, collection development, and of course reading the new books and helping students find books they love.  However, lately, each day seems like a battle with our equipment and technology.

Technology is great -- when it works.  I'm certainly a lot more comfortable working with all the various computers and projectors and camcorders and video/DVD players than I was a year or two ago.  I am, however, a digital immigrant, and I am not a gadget person by nature.  But it drives me absolutely crazy when equipment works fine one day and totally messes up the next.  

This week my school has been showing movies as a reward for good behavior.  We've done the set up many times before, the test run when we got the equipment set up went well, and then today (of course) the sound system went haywire right as we seated 150 wild seventh graders and we started the movie.  It did not help my frustration level when one of the APs at the school was really ugly to me (yelling) about the fact that the stupid microphone and speaker were suddenly on the fritz and no one could hear the movie.  Which was "The Game Plan" starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, so I'm not sure this was much of a loss. 

 (Keep in mind that there are home karaoke machines that are higher quality equipment than our microphone/speaker system.  We have one 2-ft. speaker to project the sound to the entire school auditorium.  We are not talking a Dolby digital surround sound system here, people). 

To make a long, annoying story shorter, we (me and my assistant) finally determined that the battery was dead in the cordless microphone.  No one in the office bothered to order extra 9-volt batteries as we requested a month ago, so we had to make do with what we had.  Which is -- one dying microphone and one that barely works because it appears to have been used as a soccer ball in PE.  This is what teachers are used to anyway, right?  I did feel slightly vindicated when our instructional technology specialist, who was there to tutor, checked out the problem and agreed that it was the battery and not anything we failed to do in the set up.  

This is the latest in about 2 weeks of nonstop equipment "issues".  Frankly, I'm tired of it.  Give me a book any day -- it's cheap, portable, will not suddenly get a virus, need an extra cord or batteries, or just not work.  (I'm also wondering if maybe this is a sign from God that my school administrators need to cough up the bucks for a movie license so that we quit violating copyright every time we show a reward movie.)

I'm ready to go old-school librarian for a while.  Give me a bunch of books, an old-fashioned card catalog, and a filmstrip reel and I will weep with delight.  But I draw the line at wearing my hair in a bun.