15 months

Hard to believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted on Easter.  Lots of reasons why-- we went to Ohio over Spring Break, work has been super-busy, lack of topics I feel motivated to write about-- but mostly, I just haven't gotten around to it.  I'm really good at writing posts in my head but not getting them down on paper... or at least the screen.   

Yesterday marked 15 months since we were logged in.  We also got our homestudy update report in the mail-- 3 months to the day when I first e-mailed our social worker to get it started.  It took forever.  On Friday, referrals for this month came out.  Only 5 more days were referred this month.  Now the CCAA is up to January 9, 2006.  Only 361 days ahead of us.    Another month has gone by, but it just doesn't feel like we are making any progress.  

I used to imagine what my daughter might look like, what leaving for China might be like, collect ideas in a file for the nursery.  I haven't done that in a long time.  Of course, not a single day goes by where I don't think of AK in some way, and where I am not reminded of just how empty my arms are, but I just cannot picture her at all.  A few days ago, a friend of a friend got the referral for her daughter.  On her blog, she recalled how right around the beginning of August, she had a very vivid dream about her baby being born.  She learned the other day that her daughter was born just days after she had that dream.  I just can't even imagine that.  I have dreamt no dreams, seen no signs (I refuse to count dead ladybugs), had no indicators whatsoever.  I've begun to think of her as just a "mythical baby."  

 It's been such a long wait, and only God knows how much longer it will be.  Some (actually, many) days I wonder if the adoption, if parenthood, will ever really happen.  I feel guilty for having so little faith, but there it is.  Right now, it's easier to not prepare for a little one; I'm fully aware that this is a form of self-preservation.  I guess in some ways it's good to live life without feeling like we are constantly on hold.  I (well, Mark, too) am making plans for summer and fall that do not include welcoming a baby into the household (although if a miracle does happen, you'd better believe all plans will be adjusted accordingly).  And, since I can't seem to get/stay/be excited right now about this, it's just hard to be enthused about much of anything.