Today the topic was "someday"-- what are the things you were told would happen someday? Or what is something you told yourself would happen someday? Maybe it did, maybe it didn't.
I really wished I could stop the car and take the time to call in to tell my story, because my someday is finally around the corner. Mark and I have been longing for children and (one way or another) trying to have children for about 4 1/2 years now. It has been the greatest struggle, test, and grief of my life.
Infertility has challenged everything I thought I knew about the world around me, my faith, my marriage, my relationships, and my personality. There have been many tears and frankly, much anguish as we worked through the loss of some dreams and finally embraced new dreams. I have struggled with doubt, anxiety, worry, and fear on a nearly daily basis.
I also learned that I have the strength to endure when I just thought I might not be able to get up and face each day. My marriage has been strengthened by the toughest times, and Mark and I have grown closer than ever through this experience. My faith has been tested, yet it has also been refined by the fire of grief. I am a person who wants control over every area of my life, but I have learned to lean on the Lord's provision and strength instead.
For years, I have longed for someday rather than today.
- Someday, we'd get to call our families with the news that we were expecting a baby.
- Someday, I'd get to watch Mark play hide and seek and tag and make goofy faces with our babies.
- Someday, I'd get to shop in the baby section of Target without feeling like I was trespassing and all the real moms would know I didn't really belong there.
- Someday I'd get to attend a baby shower for my baby.
- Someday it wouldn't hurt so much when another friend or family member announced their pregnancy-- I could be happy for them without feeling so very sad for myself at the same time.
- Someday, my arms would no longer be empty.
- Someday, I'd get to tuck my baby into bed after reading a bedtime story and hearing prayers.
- Someday, we'd get to experience a joyful Christmas with our little one.
- Someday, we'd get to see the 5 "big kids" play with their little sister or brother.
- Someday, we'd get the Call from our agency that we had been matched with our baby!
- Someday, we'd be packing a suitcase and planning the trip of a lifetime.
- Someday, we'd board a plane to take us 7,000 miles from home.
- Someday, we'd arrive in a government office in China and a baby would be placed in our arms.
- Someday, I would be a mom at last.
My someday is finally just days away. I actually know the date of my most special someday ever.
Honestly, I can hardly believe it.
I think it's gonna sink in at 9:58 next Thursday morning as we get on that plane to take us to Anna Kathryn.